读万卷书 | 《阿德勒心理学讲义》[奥地利]阿尔弗雷德.阿德勒:要有被讨厌的勇气,也要有追求幸福的勇气

      阿德勒是对我本人影响比较的一个心理学家之一，阅读他的作品，总会感觉很痛快。很多的心理学家和教育学家也大都收到了他的理论的影响，写出了影响深远的作品，比如《被讨厌的勇气》、《正面管教》等等这些经典著作。

     不同于弗洛伊德对潜意识与过往创伤的沉溺，阿德勒这位 “个体心理学” 的开创者，用温暖而坚定的笔触，将我们的目光引向 “当下的选择” 与 “人际关系的勇气”。《阿德勒心理学讲义》这本书不仅是心理学理论的梳理，更是一场关于如何挣脱童年脚本、活出真正自我的深刻对话。

     阿德勒在书中反复强调：“幸福的人用童年治愈一生，不幸的人用一生治愈童年。” 但他真正想传递的并非宿命论，而是童年经历如何为我们的人格写下 “初稿”，而我们终其一生都拥有 “改写” 的权利。

      他指出，童年回忆不是对过往事件的客观记录，而是我们为了解释当下人生而编织的主观叙事。一个童年被忽视的孩子，可能会在潜意识里形成 “我不值得被爱” 的信念，并在成年后不断用回避社交、讨好他人的行为来验证这个信念；而一个被过度保护的孩子，则可能发展出 “我无法独立应对世界” 的认知，进而在困难面前习惯性退缩。

     这些早期形成的人格原型，就像我们人生的 “默认模式”，在无意识中影响着我们的选择。但阿德勒最具革命性的观点在于：决定我们的不是童年经历本身，而是我们赋予经历的意义。我们可以通过觉察这些 “默认模式”，主动为人生写下新的 “脚本”。

     阿德勒心理学的核心，正是围绕 “自卑感” 与 “优越感” 的辩证关系展开。在书中，他清晰区分了两组极易混淆的概念，让我们得以看清自身行为背后的深层动机。

自卑感 vs 自卑情结

    自卑感是人类与生俱来的体验。我们天生就会意识到自己的渺小与不足，这种感受并非缺陷，而是推动我们进步的原始动力。正如阿德勒所说：“我们每个人都有不同程度的自卑感，因为我们都想让自己更优秀，让自己过更好的生活。”

      真正的问题在于 “自卑情结”。当一个人无法直面自卑感，转而用 “我因为 XX 所以无法成功” 的借口逃避改变时，自卑感就会异化为自卑情结。比如，有人会说 “我因为家境不好所以没机会成功”，这种将失败归咎于不可控因素的思维，本质上是为了维护脆弱的自尊，却也因此陷入了自我设限的牢笼。

优越感 vs 优越情结

      对优越感的追求，是人类行为的终极驱动力。健康的优越感追求，是通过提升自我、贡献社会来获得价值感，比如一个人通过努力工作实现职业理想，或是通过帮助他人获得内心的满足。

      而 “优越情结” 则是自卑情结的反向形成。那些用炫耀、贬低他人来彰显自我的人，本质上是在用虚假的优越感掩盖内心的自卑。阿德勒犀利地指出：“优越情结是自卑情结的补偿。” 这种通过 “胜过他人” 获得的优越感，永远无法带来真正的自信，反而会让人陷入与他人的比较和冲突中。

     阿德勒心理学最动人的部分，在于它不仅揭示了问题的根源，更给出了清晰的人生指引。他提出，真正的心理健康，在于摆脱 “以自我为中心” 的执念，转向 “共同体感觉”—— 即通过对他人做出贡献，获得真正的归属感与价值感。

      这意味着我们需要放下 “证明自己” 的焦虑，不再将他人视为竞争的对手或评价的法官，而是视为可以合作的伙伴。当一个人开始关注 “我能为他人做什么”，而非 “他人如何看待我” 时，他就从自卑与优越的枷锁中解脱出来，获得了真正的自由。

      这种转变，正是阿德勒所说的 “勇气”。它不是没有恐惧，而是带着恐惧依然选择前行；不是没有自卑，而是接纳自卑并选择成长。在《阿德勒心理学讲义》的字里行间，我看到的不仅是严谨的心理学理论，更是一份关于如何活得更有勇气、更有意义的生命指南。

     阿德勒心理学的本质不是 “治愈过去”，而是 “选择未来”。它告诉我们，童年的经历或许塑造了我们的起点，但决定我们终点的，永远是当下的每一次选择。当我们不再执着于 “原生家庭的伤害”，不再困于 “自卑与优越的拉扯”，而是带着勇气去面对真实的自己、去建立真诚的关系时，我们便真正活出了阿德勒所说的 “人，做得到任何事” 的生命境界。

      Adler is one of the psychologists who have had a significant impact on me personally. Reading his works always brings me great pleasure. Many psychologists and educators have also been influenced by his theories and have written influential works, such as "The Courage to Be Hated" and "Positive Discipline", among other classics.

     Unlike Freud's obsession with the subconscious and past traumas, Adler, the pioneer of "individual psychology", uses a warm yet firm writing style to guide our attention towards "present choices" and "courage in interpersonal relationships". The book "Lectures on Adlerian Psychology" is not only a collation of psychological theories, but also a profound dialogue about how to break free from childhood scripts and live a truly authentic life.

     In his book, Adler repeatedly emphasizes: "Happy people use their childhood to heal their entire lives, while unhappy people use their entire lives to heal their childhood." However, what he truly wants to convey is not fatalism, but how childhood experiences write the "first draft" of our personality, and we have the right to "revise" it throughout our lives.

      He pointed out that childhood memories are not objective records of past events, but subjective narratives we construct to explain our current lives. A child who was neglected in childhood may subconsciously form the belief that "I am not worthy of love" and constantly use behaviors such as avoiding social interaction and pleasing others to validate this belief in adulthood; while a child who was overly protected may develop the perception that "I cannot cope with the world independently" and habitually retreat in the face of difficulties.

     These early-formed personality archetypes are like the "default mode" of our lives, unconsciously influencing our choices. However, Adler's most revolutionary viewpoint is that it is not our childhood experiences themselves that determine us, but rather the meaning we assign to those experiences. We can actively write a new "script" for our lives by becoming aware of these "default modes".

     The core of Adlerian psychology revolves around the dialectical relationship between "inferiority complex" and "superiority complex". In his book, he clearly distinguishes between two sets of easily confused concepts, allowing us to see the underlying motivations behind our own behaviors.

Inferiority complex vs inferiority complex

    Inferiority complex is an innate human experience. We are born with an awareness of our own smallness and inadequacy, and this feeling is not a flaw, but rather the original driving force that propels us to progress. As Adler said, "Each of us has varying degrees of inferiority complex, because we all want to be better and live a better life." The real problem lies in "inferiority complex." When a person cannot face their inferiority complex and instead uses excuses like "I cannot succeed because of XX" to avoid change, their inferiority complex can be transformed into an inferiority complex. For example, someone may say, "I don't have a chance to succeed because my family background is not good." This mindset of blaming failures on uncontrollable factors is essentially to maintain fragile self-esteem, but it also traps them in a self-imposed limitation.

Superiority complex vs superiority complex

      The pursuit of a sense of superiority is the ultimate driving force behind human behavior. A healthy pursuit of superiority involves gaining a sense of value through self-improvement and contributing to society. For instance, a person may achieve their career aspirations through hard work or gain inner satisfaction by helping others.

      The "superiority complex" is the reverse formation of the inferiority complex. Those who flaunt and belittle others to highlight themselves are essentially using a false sense of superiority to conceal their inner inferiority. Adler pointedly stated, "The superiority complex is a compensation for the inferiority complex." This sense of superiority gained through "outdoing others" can never bring true confidence, but instead traps people in comparisons and conflicts with others.

     The most captivating aspect of Adlerian psychology lies in its ability to not only unveil the root causes of issues but also provide clear guidance for life. It posits that true mental health is achieved by shedding the obsession with "self-centeredness" and shifting towards a "sense of community"—that is, gaining a genuine sense of belonging and worth through contributing to others.

      This means that we need to let go of the anxiety of "proving ourselves" and no longer view others as competitors or judges of our performance, but rather as partners with whom we can collaborate. When one begins to focus on "what I can do for others" instead of "how others perceive me", they are liberated from the shackles of inferiority and superiority complexes, attaining true freedom.

      This transformation is precisely what Adler referred to as "courage". It is not the absence of fear, but choosing to move forward despite fear; it is not the absence of inferiority, but accepting inferiority and choosing to grow. In the pages of "Adler's Lectures on Psychology", I see not only rigorous psychological theories, but also a guide on how to live a more courageous and meaningful life.

     The essence of Adlerian psychology is not "healing the past" but "choosing the future". It teaches us that while childhood experiences may shape our starting point, it is always our present choices that determine our ultimate destination. When we no longer cling to the "harm inflicted by our birth families" or are trapped in the "tug between inferiority and superiority", but instead face our true selves with courage and forge genuine relationships, we truly live up to Adler's vision of a life where "man can do anything".